What if I wasn’t me?
I have spent many years wishing I was not who I am. Wishing I was not bossy, demanding, authoritative, passionate, obsessive, vocal, and so forth. But as many have noted as they grow, hindsight is 20/20. Now I wonder: why would I spend so much time fighting myself? You cannot run from that which you are. The past months have started to make it clear: I am who I am and where I am for a purpose.
This is not to be said that I am someone to believe in excessive miracles or credit more than is blatantly evident to a higher power. I will, however, acknowledge God’s guiding presence and power in my life. There are circumstances created, paths guided, and decisions orchestrated that are plainly due to more than human influence. But as a lifelong churchgoer, I am also painfully aware of the weapon with which religion has been wielded. I spent my youth listening to pastors tell me to listen to Jesus for my life’s calling. It brought forth unimaginable anxiety when I did not hear a higher power speak out loud to me that I was doing exactly what they wanted. Instead, I subscribe more to what Parker Palmer talks about in Let Your Life Speak. It may not be exactly what we hear, but what we don’t hear that pushes us in the best direction (p. 38-39). This has led to a multi-input approach in my life. I use my heart, my brain, and the people in my circle to help inform decisions. All of those together create what I understand to be God’s voice.
The past three weeks have put a magnifying glass on the traits I spent so long disliking. Instead of being bossy, Gallup told me I have a strength of Command (Gallup, Inc.). Instead of being obsessive, I can now see and understand a strong sense of Responsibility. Instead of authoritative, I see an Arranger. All these things matter. How we view the things which compose our whole selves determine how we lead the people around us.
This perception also informs 80-hour work weeks and endless volunteer commitments. Why not ditch it all and head for a better opportunity? Duty. A sense of self. A responsibility to the people who served me when they did not have to. And to top it all off, a moment when the Arranger strength brings together investors, resources, and grants to form 20 million dollars in desperately needed housing. Glimpses of finished projects amid unending work motivate me to continue moving forward on these leadership opportunities.
Additionally, I’ve become more settled in trusting my gut. Simon Sinek wrote in Start With Why that ‘the heart represents the limbic, feeling part of the brain, and the mind is the rational, language center’ (p. 59). Although I have grown up hearing the words, ‘trust your gut,’ I have rarely employed them. Instead, I thought emotions were fleeting, not to be relied upon, and logic was the body’s only source of reliable input. Sinek reframed this line of thought for me and gave more stock to the limbic, or gut portion of the thinking process.
I am leading authentically in almost all areas of growth on my resume. From kindergarteners at church to graduate school, I am feeding and serving all levels of myself. The few committees that are not fitting my ethos are physically and mentally uncomfortable. I have thought many times about how to resign from them but stayed on due to the influence that comes with their voting power. Palmer made clear that this is not a good enough reason to give of ourselves. He said, “If I try to be or do something noble that has nothing to do with who I am, I may look good to others and to myself for a while. But the fact that I am exceeding my limits will eventually have consequences” (Palmer, p. 47). This will certainly come to task in the coming months as we continue to examine ourselves and what our vocations and callings are.